Many people end up very unhappy in their marriages because they didn't know what to look for in a partner. They end up feeling trapped in an unhappy dynamic, having the same issues for years despite reading books and going to therapy, and/or divorcing in body or mind. Here is an overview to help you understand why things may be going so poorly.
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You were not healthy when you were dating. You had low self esteem and felt that getting into a relationship would help you feel secure and better about yourself. Of course, you didn't realize that having low self esteem meant that you were ignoring red flags that you and your partner were incompatible. It seemed to you that because you were unattractive/not that smart/unappealing romantically/disordered/came from a dysfunctional family, that you would obviously need to compromise on many things in a partner. You ended up compromising on basic compatibility, such as the issues discussed here.
You did not work on your family of origin issues and got into the same dynamic that you had with a parent. This is called imago theory, and I discuss in depth here. We are subconsciously drawn to what is familiar to us. If you were treated dismissively by a parent, you will be drawn to a partner with dismissive tendencies and try to change them into someone who is attentive in a way our parent never was.
You outgrew your partner. Many people started out compatible with a partner, but then they worked on themselves, or life experiences changed them into a very different person. For example, working partners and stay at home partners often grow apart because they have such different experiences, as I discuss
. Also, partners that start dating when both have disorders such as alcohol abuse, depression, or anxiety
. Then, their codependent dynamic no longer functions, and the marriage has to change to survive, or end.
You really wanted happy and healthy children, and prioritized this over everything. In this post, I state:
There are reasons why certain people focus on their partner's potential parenting ability and either consciously or subconsciously downplay the fact that they are not fully happy with their romantic relationship. Mostly, I see this in people who had a difficult childhood and were particularly disappointed in one or both of their parents' ability to be present, reliable, and loving toward them. For these people, finding a partner who is an excellent parent to your future children is of paramount importance. They try to tell themselves that providing a great mom/dad to their eventual kids is much more important than other things, like sexual chemistry, emotional or intellectual compatibility, high conflict in the relationship, or incompatibilities in major areas.
This makes sense if your family of origin was so unhappy or cold that you assume that love is really just a fairy tale. As you get older and more confident, and/or work on your negative and limiting beliefs in therapy, you may start to recognize that you deserve love, and love is possible. This often makes you much less satisfied in a marriage that was chosen mainly to benefit your eventual kids.
5. You met someone at a particularly vulnerable time in your life. Often, when you meet a partner when you are feeling very unsteady and anxious, you prioritize someone who is stable over someone who is emotionally attuned, interesting, or with whom you experience intellectual connection. This is a version of Maslow's hierarchy of needs; when you do not feel secure at a basic level, you can't think about higher-order needs like compatibility. For example, if a teenager is trying to get out of an abusive family of origin, they frequently choose a stable partner with a loving family that "adopts" them. As they get older and more confident, they often realize that their vulnerable state made them choose a partner who isn't very compatible with them on a deeper level.
If this post resonates with you, individual or couples therapy can help you figure out if there is a path forward with your partner. Often, you are disillusioned, but you can actively work to rebuild closeness in a new way. However, sometimes, there is no path forward where both partners can feel close and genuinely connected. If your gut tells you that you never deeply loved your partner, individual therapy is a better choice than couples, as that is an environment where you can speak more freely without hurting your partner deeply.
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