Never give up your true self just to appease others.
Existing as a woman in a patriarchal society is hard. It often leaves women feeling as if we must behave in certain ways and do certain things if we wish to "have it all." Eventually, this can lead to a struggle with happiness.
But women - and all people, really - should never give up on who they are just to make others happy. It's time to be you without apology.
Here are 7 signs you're secretly sacrificing who you are to make others happy
1. You're the only one making sacrifices in your relationships
Many women end up losing themselves in the men they fall in love with. It seems that they tend to get caught up in this romanticized idea of what being with a man looks like and let it take over.
A woman gives up more, traditionally (her time, her opinions, her body, and then eventually 80% of her time and life to caring for the man and their children). It doesn't seem like a bad fantasy - that's why we get caught up in it.
But we must be sure not to get caught up in it so much that we lose our individuality and who we are outside of our relationship and children. We, at the very least, should never be giving up more than our partner.
There isn't anything wrong with making sacrifices in a relationship. In fact, it's a huge part of a successful relationship - a little give-and-take and a lot of compromises.
But if you're the only one doing so, that's not okay. This will almost certainly lead not only to a failed relationship, but to you slowly sacrificing who you are and what you want, to be with someone who doesn't do the same things for you.
2. You still allow your parents' ideals to dictate how you make decisions
Losing ourselves in relationships is a serious concern, but it's not the only danger when it comes to losing our identity. Another trap that many women (and, really, everyone) can fall into is allowing what your parents think to dictate the decisions you make.
This is easy to do for multiple reasons. Either we let the need to be "nothing like them" make the decision for us, or we are still so set on seeking their approval that every little decision becomes based on seeking that approval until everything we do ends up being influenced by them, instead of being what we actually want.
This is the time to ensure that everything we do leads to us living our most fulfilling and happiest lives, regardless of what our parents will think about it. Ask yourself before making big decisions why you're doing it. Is it to make you happy, or because you think mom and dad would be proud?
3. You feel pressured to change your last name when you get married
There's nothing wrong with sticking to tradition and keeping a man's last name when you get married. However, there should be a reason why. It should never be assumed that a woman just gives up her last name, though most women do.
According to a survey from Pew Research Center, 79% of women in the United Stated changed their last name to their husband's after getting married, 14% kept their maiden name, and 5% hyphenated their maiden name with their husband's last name. The survey also determined that women ages 18 to 49 kept their last name, compared to 9% of those 50 or older.
Not only is it rude to assume, and also a bit outdated, but it's messed up if you're willing to give up something that he's not expected to, especially without discussion. For example, if he's the only male in his family and desires to "carry on the name," maybe you should consider it. But at the same time, if you're from a family of all girls and want to carry on your name, why not keep yours?
It's important to have a reason. Plus, it's a good idea to have that discussion to see how well you can talk sensitive issues out before marriage.
While not everyone agrees, a last name ties to who you are, and it wouldn't be healthy for yourself or your marriage to give up that piece of who you are for no reason. That's especially true if it could end up with you resenting your partner.
4. You see your career as secondary to your significant other's
To clarify, there's nothing wrong with a stay-at-home parent, a parent who only works part-time and cares for their children the rest, the parents who work full-time with childcare, or any variation of these scenarios. But it's only okay if that's what this person wants to do.
Women, especially, get overwhelmed in their 20s and 30s by finding a work-life balance, and take on too much because they think they "have to" because the man's job is "more important."
Sure, sometimes, the man genuinely makes more money and you need his job to afford your living situation. However, it's important to not let your career get swept under the rug because of this.
A good relationship is where two people work together to be as happy as possible. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your happiness because everything is "working this way." If you're not happy, it's not "working."
Think about what you want outside of his wants and be honest with yourself about it. You deserve to be happy, both inside your relationships and outside of them.
5. You think women should be 'helpers'
Many people who are in their 20s or 30s and are in relationships, particularly women, seem to see themselves as more of a "helper" to the family unit, rather than a person.
While it's less common nowadays, most people still see women do way more of the child care, and more of the cooking and cleaning. Chores and childcare responsibilities should be split up as equally and as fairly as possible.
In fact, research has found that "sharing housework is optimal for couples' overall relationship quality." Another study determined that couples who don't split chores, where the woman is handling more of the work, can lead to psychological distress.
This attitude can also be present in women who are actively less outspoken for the sake of "attracting a man." She feels as if she must build him up, help him out, and basically just exist to make his life easier.
But that's not a woman's purpose, and it's important to not fall into that ideal based on the romanticized idea of taking care of "your man." Happy relationships are where two people work together as equal partners who build each other up, take care of each other, and genuinely love each other. Make sure your relationship isn't one-sided.
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6. You think you need to ask your man for permission before doing something
While there isn't anything wrong with being considerate and asking your significant other's opinion before making big decisions, especially in committed relationships, it's not okay if you think you must ask your partner's permission before you can do things.
It's still your life, your body, and things that directly affect you are still your decision. You should never have to ask. Honestly, if you feel you do, it may be time to call it quits.
And a healthy partner will understand this, and won't force you to ask their permission ahead of time. In fact, they should encourage you to spend some time doing what you want, within reason, outside of the relationship.
As long as you're being transparent with your partner about your plans, and maybe even ask for their input ahead of time, you're still an independent person, an adult, with your own autonomy.
7. You have no problem working less once you have children
While this isn't necessarily a problem (if it's what you want), you still should see a problem with it if it's assumed (by anyone) that you will give up working to stay home with a baby. Because it's not okay for anyone to pressure you to make decisions this way.
If you want to commit your life to being a mother, that's great. But you must be sure that's what you want.
Once that baby has grown up, then what? It's important to always be making sure you know who you are outside of your roles as a wife and mother, because those might not always be enough - and that's okay.
But you're sacrificing who you are in order to make others happy if you're giving up a career when you don't want to. Remember that it's your life, not anyone else's, so live it the way you desire.
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