How to deal with a controlling parent

You can't control your parent's behaviour, but you can control your own reactions and responses.

Living with a parent who tries to control every aspect of your life can be frustrating and stifling. They might dictate what you wear, who you see, or even what you study.

While their intentions may come from a place of love and concern, it can feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells, unable to make your own decisions.

The first step to dealing with a controlling parent is acknowledging the problem. Not all parents who are strict are necessarily controlling. So, how do you know the difference? Here are some signs to watch for:

• Micromanagement: Do they constantly critique your decisions, offer unsolicited advice, or need to know every detail of your life?

• Guilt tripping: Do they use emotional manipulation to get their way? Do they make you feel bad if you disagree with them?

• Isolation: Do they try to limit your social circle or extracurricular activities, fearing you'll become independent?

• Financial control: Do they withhold money or dictate how you spend your earnings, fostering dependence?

• Privacy invasion: Do they go through your belongings, invade your online space, or need constant updates on your whereabouts?

If you find yourself resonating with several of these signs, your parent's behaviour likely falls into the controlling category.

So, how do we deal with such parents?

• Define your limits: First, consider what's acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. What aspects of your life deserve your parents' input, and where do you need room for autonomy?

• Communicate clearly: Once you know your boundaries, calmly and assertively talk to your parents. Explain how their behaviour makes you feel and why it needs to change. Use "I" statements, for example, "I feel frustrated when you tell me who to be friends with."

• Be prepared for resistance: Expect some pushback. They might get upset, try to guilt trip you, or dismiss your concerns. Stay firm and maintain your boundaries politely but resolutely.

Boundaries are only effective if you enforce them. When your parents overstep, calmly remind them of your limits.

• Find the right time: Choose a calm and relaxed moment for a conversation. Avoid emotional outbursts that might escalate the situation.

• Active listening: Show them you value their opinion by actively listening when they speak. Let them finish their thoughts before responding.

• Focus on solutions: Instead of dwelling on past issues, focus on finding ways to move forward constructively.

Dealing with a controlling parent can take time. There will be setbacks and moments of frustration. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Accept that change takes time: Don't expect them to suddenly become understanding overnight. Change is a process, and your parents might need time to adjust to their evolving role.

2. Prioritise self-care: It's important to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Set time for activities you enjoy and spend time with supportive friends.

You may not be able to control your parent's behaviour, but you can control your own reactions and responses. By setting boundaries and communicating openly, you can develop a healthier relationship with your controlling parent and build a future where you feel independent and empowered to make your own choices.